The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Two kids were arguing in the playground.

“My dad’s a better darts player than your dad,” said the first boy.

“No he ain’t,” said the second boy. “My dad got the highest score last week.”

“OK, OK, but my mum’s better than your mum.”

“Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing.”

COMMENTS

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SpeakEZ
16:22 Jun 27 2012

~dies~

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.

You've even named your daughter Candy.’

He turned to the second Mom, Ann:

'Your obsession is with money.

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy:

'Your obsession is alcohol.

This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered............... '

Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.

Bruce was on a trip to the big smoke and was enjoying a beer in a bar in Kings Cross.

It must have been his lucky day as he managed to attract a spectacularly sexy young backpacker sheila.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his motel room and, after some small talk, he rooted her senseless.

Bruce had read in a magazine at the dentist that nowadays sheilas were also supposed to reach an orgasm so after a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Bruce jumped back on her and the rooting resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were many screams of passion.

When the action finally ends and, again, Bruce smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Bruce jumps the sheila yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Bruce falls onto his back, gasping for air.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish now?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful sheila whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian".

The two young lovers are in the back of the car parked in a quiet country lane.

“Julie,” asks the man, “how about giving me some oral sex?”

“Oh no,” she replies forcefully, “if I do that you’ll never respect me again.”

A year goes by and during that time he asks her for oral sex on a number of occasions but she always refuses. Eventually they get married and on the honeymoon night he asks her again for oral sex but she replies, “No, I know you’ll never respect me again.” Many years go by and the couple are now in their fifties. One day in bed the man turns to his wife and says, “Julie, after all these years of happily married life, a beautiful house, big car and two successful children, do you think we could have some oral sex? You know I will always respect you.”

So at last the wife gives in and sometime later as they’re relaxing in bed, the front doorbell chimes. He turns to her and says, “Hey cocksucker, answer that.”



★ ★ ★

While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to buy some souvenirs. They meet up with the Mother Superior and Dopey stops to talk to her.

“Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns here?” Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but replies, “Not very short, some around 5 foot.”

“Are you sure there aren’t any nuns about 3 foot in height?”

he persists.

“No, no, no one like that.”

As the dwarfs leave, the Mother Superior follows them quietly down the road to try and discover the reason for such an odd question. She overhears the other dwarfs asking him what was said, and he replies, “She said they don’t have any.”

On hearing this, the dwarfs fall about laughing and chanting: “Dopey’s fucked a penguin, Dopey’s fucked a penguin.”

A drunk staggers into church and wanders up the aisle moaning to himself.

“Help me, help me, it’s bloody agony.”

Eventually, he makes it into the confessional and all goes quiet. After a few minutes the priest decides he’d better find out if everything is alright so he says, “May I help you my son?”

“I don’t know” comes the reply, “it depends on whether you have any paper in there.”

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.



'Oh, I see.



Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief.

'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him.



I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'



A year goes by and the golfer is back.



On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says.



'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'



'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.



I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds.



'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'



'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye.



I did that fer yer golf game, you know.

And tell me, how's yer money situation?'



'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.



'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'



'I did that fer ye also.'



And tell me, how's yer sex life?'



The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'



C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.



How many times a week?'



Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'



'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.



'That's all?



Only once or twice a week?'



'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

COMMENTS

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BlackGenesis
01:26 Jun 03 2012

~grins~ That, is a keeper.

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